Open Strong – Xephos1

Posted on November 2, 2022 by xephos1

Practice Opening 1

It is high school students’ poor mental health that prohibits them from seeking the treatment they need for their issues. Students in the present day are suffering from problems affiliated with mental health such as anxiety and depression. It is these main two mental health issues that may keep high school students from seeking out another for help. The fear of being judged or reported keeps many victims away from therapeutic solutions. Instead of turning to someone else for help they may turn to other more dangerous alternatives such as drugs in order to cope with their problems.

Practice Opening 2

Schools only act like they care for their students’ mental health, but in reality, they couldn’t care less. Schools advertise about their top notch, state of the art mental health services all the time. However, we see time and time again that these services that school provides are flawed. College student suicide rates are high and when faced with the issue, the school stays silent. It isn’t a reach to say that schools only do this so they can give their name a good reputation. From a student’s point of view this could come across as intimidating and could deter the student from using the services provided to them.

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3 Responses to Open Strong – Xephos1

  1. xephos1's avatar xephos1 says:
    November 2, 2022 at 5:12 PM

    Can I just get some general feedback please?

    Reply
  2. davidbdale's avatar davidbdale says:
    November 7, 2022 at 5:46 PM

    The kindling is here, xephos, but the language will start no fires.

    Version 1.
    I used to start my sentences with “There is” and “It is,” until a good writer pointed out to me they’re almost always superfluous. Yours can go. You don’t really want your subject to be “It” and your verb to be “is” when there are handy, robust, active alternatives.

    It is high school students’ poor mental health that prohibits them from seeking the treatment they need for their issues. Students in the present day are suffering from problems affiliated with mental health such as anxiety and depression. It is these main two mental health issues that may keep high school students from seeking out another for help. The fear of being judged or reported keeps many victims away from therapeutic solutions. Instead of turning to someone else for help they may turn to other more dangerous alternatives such as drugs in order to cope with their problems.

    How about:

    Poor mental health prohibits high school students from seeking the treatment they need for their issues.

    And:

    Anxiety and depression keep high school students from seeking help.

    Once we do that, did you notice the second sentence repeats the first?
    And that “anxiety and depression” is repeated by “these two main mental health issues”?
    So, now the first three sentences:

    Poor mental health prohibits high school students from seeking the treatment they need for their anxiety and depression.

    As for the rest:

    Because they fear being judged or reported, they treat themselves with drugs and other dangerous alternatives.

    Revised Version 1:

    Poor mental health prohibits high school students from seeking the treatment they need for their anxiety and depression. Because they fear being judged or reported, they treat themselves with drugs and other dangerous alternatives.

    Want to try the same exercise with Version 2?

    This post is eligible for revision and regrading.

    Reply
  3. davidbdale's avatar davidbdale says:
    November 7, 2022 at 5:53 PM

    It’s good material because it identifies a terrible paradox. Mental health both demands treatment and inhibits the sufferer from seeking it from professionals. We might even say, and I believe you will, that the situation demands intervention from caring individuals.

    Reply

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