Causal Rewrite- giantsfan224

Poisoning our Youth Calls for Consequences 

Bogus fitness influencers jeopardize our youths’ physical and mental health by peddling dangerous substances and advice. The five billion dollar steroid industry continues to grow every year with the help of illicit sales targeted towards our impressionable youth.

So called “fitness influencers” are subliminally promoting steroid use to their young audiences, allowing themselves to profit off of their vulnerability. Chris Hemsworth, more widely known as “Thor,” is just one influencer at the epicenter of this problem plaguing the internet. With somewhere around 56 million followers on Instagram, Hemsworth had recently used the app to promote his new fitness platform, Centrfit, which claims to help you train like himself, leading many to believe that they themselves will end up with the same results he has accomplished from multiple years of hard work combined with supplement use. It is unethical for fitness influencers to make us pay $120 for phony workouts and diets that are promoted on platforms like CentrFit that sends false expectations to the buyers, making them think that they can obtain “ultimate physiques” without dangerous supplements. 

Steroid abusers often weigh out the pros and cons to steroid use, and yet still find themselves succumbing to their desires, leaving them addicted to the changes they see from “juicing.” In an interview published on Insider, social media influencer James Ellis stated that high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and liver damage were outweighed by the benefits, which included popularity, respect, and receiving accolades. Allowing these influencers to ignore the bad side steroids, while also being dishonest about using, profusely rots our children’s minds by altering their perception on what is achievable naturally. 

Just one dose of steroid supplements can derail a hopeful kid from a happy and normal life. What starts off as “this is a one time thing,” can quickly change to years of steroid abuse and addiction. Steven Dowshen, in “Are Steroids Worth the Risk?,” states that they are addictive because when users stop taking steroids, they face severe withdrawal symptoms, some of which include insomnia, mood swings, and depression, problems no developing teen should ever face.

Fitness influencers already know that steroids and cheap supplements come with a long list of negative side effects, yet they still advertise them. The influencers’ posts that promote these substances are shameless, irresponsible, and mis-informative sale pitches disguised as helpful advice just to generate profit from vulnerable newcomers. Fitness hopefuls are tricked into following highly specific social media posts that are essentially supplement promotions followed by hyperlinks to purchase them. In an article on Digital Citizens Alliance, more than a third of those who participated in a study containing more than 2,000 participants, claimed to have purchased the drugs online. Unsurprisingly, a large percentage of those admitted to steroid use also admitted to experiencing negative side effects, which is mainly due to the fact steroids and unsafe supplements cause physical harm in our youth’s growing and maturing bodies. 

The possession and sale of steroids without a prescription is illegal in the United States. Since unprescribed steroids are not legal, it wouldn’t make any sense as to why so many teens have access to them. Evidently, there are many loopholes that allow our youth to obtain possession of these harmful drugs. The article, Teens and steroids: A dangerous combo, published by the Federal Drug Administration, states “4.9% of males and 2.4% of females in highschool have used steroids at least once in their lives.” We must crack down on sellers of both real and fake (but equally dangerous) steroids that can lead to addiction after a single dosing cycle.

Because our youth is susceptible to the manipulation glamorized by social media, there is no doubt that more teens will fall victim to the misguidance that is being spread by influencers who only look to serve themselves. A report on steroid use and social media, posted on the Digital Citizens Alliance, states, “celebrities use social media sites such as Instagram or YouTube to create the image of modern glamor that increasingly leads men and women to buy APEDs online.” Influencers such as Hemsworth and Ellis thrive off of taking advantage of newcomers to make money and grow their brands, but the problem is that they do not see the unintentional harm and misguidance that they are causing. 

Additionally, with the advancements with how we share and receive information/news is pushing an agenda that does not make teens feel comfortable in their own skin. Comparing our results to the results exaggerated by these influencers is doing way more harm than good. An article posted on the National Institute of Drug Abuse, mentions a study stating that the 2011 to 2015 coincide with rapid development of 12th grade students using steroids. It could be assumed that because apps like Instagram and Facebook began to flourish around the same time, these apps serve as the doorway to experiencing the misguidance that is leading many teens to fall down the rabbit-hole of steroid abuse. 

Dishonest influencers need to face the consequences for the negative and toxic environment that they have been creating for years. Because social media is the epicenter for misinformation, punishing those with massive followings and who are just in the industry for personal gain, should no longer be able to have access to their platform. Actions have consequences, and making these phony influencers that damage our youth look foolish and self-centered, could be the thing that creates positive change for the future of the fitness industry. Alternatively, considering that selling steroids to someone without a prescription is illegal, one can also make the argument that influencers promoting the use of steroids, to an audience that clearly can not purchase them legally due to their age, should face the legal ramifications. Although they aren’t as frowned upon as real “drugs,” steroids still come with their fair share of problems, and it should be top priority that we don’t allow them to slip into our youth’s hands. Once we crack down on those who criminally promote and lucratively sell steroids, we could see less dishonesty and danger being spread throughout the industry.

References

Commissioner, O. of the. (n.d.). Teens and steroids: A dangerous combo. U.S. Food and Drug Administration. Retrieved November 3, 2022, from https://www.fda.gov/consumers/consumer-updates/teens-and-steroids-dangerous-combo

Corticosteroids market size 2022 and growth analysis. The Business Research Company. (n.d.). Retrieved November 18, 2022, from https://www.thebusinessresearchcompany.com/report/corticosteroid-global-market-report

Chris Hemsworth is exactly what’s wrong with the fitness industry – medium. (n.d.). Retrieved November 11, 2022, from https://bettermarketing.pub/chris-hemsworth-is-exactly-whats-wrong-with-the-fitness-industry-b9a74d0fe007

Digital platforms on steroids – digital citizens alliance. (n.d.). Retrieved November 3, 2022, from https://www.digitalcitizensalliance.org/clientuploads/directory/Reports/DCA_Platforms_on_Steroids_Report-Final.pdf

Dowshen, S. (Ed.). (2017, February). Are steroids worth the risk? (for teens) – nemours kidshealth. KidsHealth. Retrieved November 3, 2022, from https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/steroids.html

Griffiths, S., Murray, S., Krug, I., & McLean, S. (n.d.). The contribution of social media to body dissatisfaction, eating disorder symptoms, and anabolic steroid use among sexual minority men. Cyberpsychology, behavior and social networking. Retrieved October 16, 2022, from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29363993/

Hosie, R., & Dodgson, L. (2022, February 3). Steroids are rampant among fitness influencers, trainers and bodybuilders say. most use in secret, claiming their gains come from workouts and diet plans. Insider. Retrieved November 11, 2022, from https://www.insider.com/fitness-influencers-steroids-secret-dangerous-body-dysmorphia 

Steroids fast facts. (n.d.). Retrieved December 2, 2022, from https://www.justice.gov/archive/ndic/pubs5/5448/index.htm

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2021, April 12). Who uses anabolic steroids? National Institutes of Health. Retrieved November 3, 2022, from https://nida.nih.gov/publications/research-reports/steroids-other-appearance-performance-enhancing-drugs-apeds/who-uses-anabolic-steroids

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17 Responses to Causal Rewrite- giantsfan224

  1. giantsfan224 says:

    I would like feedback on the clarity of my arguments. Are my points bold enough to keep the reader intrigued, yet still clear enough to understand? Anything extra you point out would be appreciated as well. Thanks.

  2. davidbdale says:

    Are your claims Bold and Clear?!
    Two great questions.

    Your first paragraph is certainly bold and straightforward. If you want help organizing it better, let me know, or give it a try yourself. We don’t get a sense that our kids are in imminent physical harm until the last words. Along the way, we have to ignore that influencers are “egotistical” and that they promote “useless” substances, both of which are beside the point.

    You don’t tell us influencers promote steroid use before you describe its dangers. We have to ignore the “good” effects, which are beside the point. By the end of the paragraph, we still don’t know that influencers encourage their use.

    You still don’t connect influencers to “child physical endangerment” in the DCA paragraph. First establish that they know steroids are dangerous and addictive. Then claim clearly that THEIR POSTS are shameless, irresponsible misinformation disguised as a sales pitch disguised as helpful advice from an expert. For profit.

    You haven’t established that buying steroids online is illegal before you say there are “loopholes,” presumably in the laws. You don’t say who “can obtain steroids” or under what conditions. We don’t understand what “enforcing regulations” would look like or who would do it. Not the FDA, I think. But who?

    This section is worth one sentence:

    With the increase of users on social media, which is essentially opening the gates for more influencers to try and carve out their path to fame, it is inevitable that our youth will come into contact with these influencers that are only looking to serve themselves. Our youth is vulnerable and they don’t see people for what their true intentions are, leaving them susceptible for harm. This misguidance is a prime example of why people are even looking to buy and use steroids in the first place. Steroids are dangerous and we already know that, but so do the influencers that are subliminally encouraging their audiences, who most of the time are young adolescents, to try steroids.

    I’m shocked that you haven’t identified a single influencer halfway through your essay. We have no idea who you’re talking about, what they say, what they promote, how they do it. You’d really benefit from a vivid anecdote.

    You come closest in your half paragraph about “celebrities,” but they’re still faceless, and you haven’t even mentioned that they are PAID for pushing dangerous drugs.

    You’re rounding the bases as if you’ve hit a home run, GF, and you appear to know the route and the destination, but you’re not touching all the bases on the way.

    See if you can make strong revisions on the first half, and maybe use that experience to help you tighten up the second half, too. I’ll be more than happy to do this again when you’ve made significant revisions.

    Provisionally graded. Always eligible for revisions and a regrade.

  3. giantsfan224 says:

    I tried to implement your feedback throughout. If you could touch on the final few paragraphs and maybe help me reorganize them so that there is less “fat,” it would be appreciated.

  4. davidbdale says:

    Here’s an example of how to reduce fat:

    Influencers make us pay to find out the workouts and diets that we should be following, but leave out the “real supplements” that are actually needed to reach those ultimate physiques. It should not sit right with us that we have to pay $120 to use platforms like CentrFit, just for there to be no transparency on how those unnatural bodies are built.

    It’s unconscionable for influencers to make us pay $120 for phony workouts and diets like CentrFit that only pretend we can achieve those “ultimate physiques” without dangerous supplements.

  5. davidbdale says:

    You do a good job here of posting a “Scenic Views Ahead” sign, GF, by making the claim ahead of the evidence:

    Using steroids supplements just once can completely derail you from what was once a happy and normal life. What starts off as a “this is a one time thing,” can quickly change to years of steroid abuse and addiction. Steven Dowshen, in Are Steroids Worth the Risk?, states that they are addictive because when one stops taking steroids, the person faces severe withdrawal symptoms, some of which include insomnia, mood swings, and depression. For a developing teen, these problems are not ones that they would want to face.

    Now, let’s reduce the population. We’re going to eliminate every instance of 2nd-person language (You, Your, Yours, Yourself, Yourselves), AND we’ll replace “One” language, too, by using a term for the people “one” refers to.

    Just one dose of steroid supplements can derail a hopeful kid from a happy and normal life. What starts off as “this is a one time thing,” can quickly change to years of steroid abuse and addiction. Steven Dowshen, in “Are Steroids Worth the Risk?,” states that they are addictive because when users stop taking steroids, they face severe withdrawal symptoms, some of which include insomnia, mood swings, and depression, problems no developing teen should ever face.

    No YOU language.
    No Ones.
    Just hopeful kids, steroid users, and developing teens.

  6. davidbdale says:

    Fitness influencers already know that steroids and cheap supplements come with a long list of negative side effects, yet they still advertise them.
    —Very nice. You start with a bold claim that is, I hope, the main idea of your paragraph.

    The influencers’ posts that promote these substances are shameless, irresponsible, and mis-informative sale pitches disguised as helpful advice just to generate profit from vulnerable newcomers.
    —Continues strong and avoids all the YOU and ONE language by making “vulnerable newcomers” the focus.

    When someone is interested in fitness, and due to how highly specific social media is, the posts we interact with are essentially ads promoting supplements followed by hyperlinks to purchase them.
    —Slips into a needless SOMEONE . . . WE construction.

    Fitness hopefuls are duped into following highly specific social media posts that are essentially supplement promotions followed by hyperlinks to purchase them.

    In an article on Digital Citizens Alliance, more than a third of those who participated in a study containing more than 2,000 participants, claimed to have purchased the drugs online.
    —This is good placement, immediately after claiming that we follow links to supplement purchase sites. But wordy.

    In an article on Digital Citizens Alliance, more than a third of 2,000 study participants claimed to have purchased drugs online.

    Unsurprisingly, a large percentage of those admitted to steroid use also admitted to experiencing negative side effects, which is mainly due to the fact steroids and unsafe supplements cause physical harm in our youth’s growing and maturing bodies.

    Most steroid users also admitted to physical harm to their growing and maturing bodies.

    Helpful?
    I won’t burden every paragraph with advice this specific. I’m hoping you’ll see the patterns and replicate them.

  7. davidbdale says:

    The possession and sale of steroids without a prescription is illegal in the United States. If that’s the case then why do so many teens have access to them? Evidently, there are many loopholes that allow our youth to obtain possession of these harmful drugs. In the article, Teens and steroids: A dangerous combo, published by the Federal Drug Administration, states “4.9% of males and 2.4% of females in high school have used steroids at least once in their lives. Cracking down on the places that sell steroids or their fake, but harmful alternatives, is necessary as with being on just a singular steroid cycle, one could experience prevalent issues later down the road.

    You chose the perfect time to drop this bomb. Oh, yeah. They’re illegal without a prescription.

    Can you eliminate the Rhetorical Question in this set?

    The possession and sale of steroids without a prescription is illegal in the United States. If that’s the case then why do so many teens have access to them? Evidently, there are many loopholes that allow our youth to obtain possession of these harmful drugs.

    This is a common citation error:

    In the article, Teens and steroids: A dangerous combo, published by the Federal Drug Administration, states “4.9% of males and 2.4% of females in high school have used steroids at least once in their lives.

    Just read this part: “In the article states.”
    Either eliminate “In” or say who states.

    Cracking down on the places that sell steroids or their fake, but harmful alternatives, is necessary as with being on just a singular steroid cycle, one could experience prevalent issues later down the road.
    —You tend to get all passive and abstract when you’re making your Ethos claims, GF. Don’t be wishy-washy.

    We must crack down on sellers of both real and fake (but equally dangerous) steroids that can lead to addiction after a single dosing cycle.

  8. davidbdale says:

    Because our youth is susceptible to the manipulation glamorized by social media, there is no doubt that more teens will fall victim to the misguidance that is being spread by influencers who only look to serve themselves. A report on steroid use and social media, posted on the Digital Citizens Alliance, states, “celebrities use social media sites such as Instagram or YouTube to create the image of modern glamor that increasingly leads men and women to buy APEDs online.” Influencers such as Hemsworth and Ellis may not be intentionally trying to harm the youth with their posts, but they are definitely not trying to be a mentor to those who need guidance, and are instead looking to take advantage of them to make money or grow their brands.
    —You start with a bold causal claim.
    —You follow that with a nice bit of evidence that comes when it should: after you’ve made your claim.
    —You’re kind to Hemsworth and Ellis, maybe kinder than you need to be, but you muddy your observation with a not . . . not . . . instead construction. They’re not doing one thing, but their definitely not doing another thing, but they really are trying to do a different thing.

  9. davidbdale says:

    Additionally, more changes to the way people share and receive information/news is negatively affecting the way people view their own bodies. Comparing our results to the results exaggerated by these influencers is doing way more harm than good. An article posted on the National Institute of Drug Abuse, mentions a study that in the time frame from 2011 to 2015, the number of students in the 12th grade who admitted to using steroids rose slightly every year. This may be coincidental, but considering apps like Instagram began to flourish around the same time, it could be assumed that this dangerous misguidance is leading many teens to fall down the rabbit-hole of steroid abuse.
    —Weak phrasing on your claim. Changes are negatively affecting? Comparing is doing harm?
    —You undercut your own credibility twice: “may be coincidental” and “it could be assumed.”

    2011 to 2015 happens to coincide with the rapid development of Instagram’s dangerous misguidance on steroid use.

  10. davidbdale says:

    Dishonest influencers need to face the consequences for the negative and toxic environment that they have been creating for years. Because social media is the epicenter for misinformation, punishing those with massive followings and who are just in the industry for personal gain, should no longer have the power and freedom to have their platform. Actions have consequences, and by making a point out of the people that deliberately mess with our youth, could be the thing that creates positive change for the future of the fitness industry.
    —Bold claim followed by two sentences of logic thwarted by grammar.

    Because social media is the epicenter for misinformation, punishing those with massive followings and who are just in the industry for personal gain, should no longer have the power and freedom to have their platform.

    —Punishing those with followings should no longer have the power?

    Actions have consequences, and by making a point out of the people that deliberately mess with our youth, could be the thing that creates positive change for the future of the fitness industry.

    —By making a point could be the thing?

  11. davidbdale says:

    Alternatively, considering that selling steroids without prescription is illegal, one can also make the argument that influencers promoting the use of steroids, to an audience that clearly can’t purchase them legally due to their age, SHOULD face the legal ramifications. Although they aren’t as frowned upon as real “drugs,” steroids still come with their fair share of problems, and it SHOULD be top priority that we don’t allow them to slip into our youth’s hands. By putting people in agreement that the influencers who promote and lucratively sell steroids or similar products SHOULD be categorized as criminals, we could see less and less dishonesty and danger being spread throughout the industry.
    —I may have mentioned, but I don’t remember doing so yet, that SHOULD language is a clear indication of Ethical or Moral claims. You’ve peppered your blistering Conclusion with quite a bit of it. That’s always a strong close.
    Wordy? You bet.

    By putting people in agreement that the influencers who promote and lucratively sell steroids or similar products should be categorized as criminals, we could see less and less dishonesty and danger being spread throughout the industry.

    —Once we crack down on criminal sales to minors, transparency and honesty can flourish.

  12. davidbdale says:

    I hope that was helpful, GiantsFan.
    Regraded based on your prior Revisions.
    This post is always eligible for additional Revisions, Feedback, and a Regrade.

  13. giantsfan224 says:

    Thanks for the time and feedback professor. I will make corrections soon.

  14. giantsfan224 says:

    Is it a big deal if I am under 1000 words by a little? Right now I think I’m around 9,990 words. There is definitely more I can condense, but I do not want to go any lower if 1,000 is required.

    • davidbdale says:

      Thanks for asking, GF.

      The point of a word count isn’t to force students to WRITE MORE WORDS. It’s to help them focus on the most economic way to say WAY MORE THAN COULD EVER FIT INTO 1000 WORDS!

      I’m delighted that your revisions are reducing the number of words you wasted on earlier drafts. Now, take advantage of the space you’ve created for a lively anecdote, a vivid illustration, a bit of rhetorical flourish.

      To cite one example: suppose you had a number to flesh out that beautifully-concise new introduction. I’m making this up: “the fitness industry has generated more than $1 billion dollars in illicit steroid sales since 2010, and much of that hazardous waste has been delivered to our impressionable youth.”

      So . . . you don’t have to generate more words to fill the gap, but . . . if you could see the shortfall as an opportunity to toss a shovel of dirt . . . .

      Make sense?

  15. giantsfan224 says:

    Yes it does, thank you.

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