Editing for Logic
Negative Sports Media
Needs Work: Professional sports are known as great entertainment, but some people only find and report the negative news that they hear or see. News reporters, for example the reporters of newspapers and news shows, don’t always write about what happens on the field, but rather find aspects of what professional players do wrong off of the field.
The first sentence sets up a false contradiction. There’s nothing contradictory about:
A: Sports are great entertainment
B: Reporters go negative
As a consequence, readers don’t know what to make of the very first sentence, and the author loses most of her credibility.Revised to show a more obvious contradiction:
A: Sports are thrilling for the physical feats on display in athletic competition.
B: However, many reporters ignore the spectacle on the field and concentrate only on reporting negative off-the-field activities.The revised version is identical in content to the second sentence of the Needs Work version, a clear demonstration that the first sentence was wasteful and confusing.
Exercise:
- Rewrite the paragraph in a Reply below, in one sentence or two.
- Identify your comment as “Negative Sports Media.”
Learning in Our Sleep
Needs Work. Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain. The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.
The sentences Fail For Grammar (FFG) twice for pronoun disagreement (a person/their brain) (someone/their performance/they). But besides that, they’re also quite wordy and get the essay off to a very slow start.
The sentence says: Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain.
Which means: Sleep improves the brain’s efficiency.The sentence says: The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.
Which means: Sleeping longer helps us learn and perform better on exams.
Exercise:
- Rewrite the paragraph in a Reply below, in two sentences (or one if you can manage it). Consider using a brief, simple illustration. The tone is informational but light.
- Identify your comment as “Hooray Sleep.”
Failing Schools
Needs Work: The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful. Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates. These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers. Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.” These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.
The sentences introduce plenty of material but are wordy and repetitious.
Fat: The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful
Lean: Underprivileged students are more likely to succeed when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.
Fat: Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates.
Lean (combine with 1st sentence): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.
Fat: These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers.
Lean: (Combine 1st 3 sentences): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.
Fat: Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.”
Lean (combine with 1, 2, 3): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers.
Fat: These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.
Lean: Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.
Final Product:
Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.
Exercise: Expand the final two-sentence version back out to three or four sentences, adding a hook, a brief illustration, or an expression of opinion.
- Identify your comment as “Failing Schools.”
Death with Dignity
Needs Work. Paul Lamb, 57, was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago. He lives day by day in pain. His only release is the constant drip of morphine into his body. Mr. Lamb is not the man that he wanted to be, having to be dependent on the help from others. He describes his life as “unbearable” because of the intense pain. He has gone to court multiple times in the hope that someone will be merciful and allow him to end his suffering, but he got rejected.
The paragraph suffers from a choppy, repetitive sentence structure. Every sentence begins with Paul Lamb or a pronoun referring to Paul Lamb. The result is a series of five unrelated statements that make no argument.
One Solution: Paul Lamb, 57, deserves the right to be released from his pain and dependency. For 23 years, he has lived in unbearable pain, or debilitated by a morphine drip that eases the body’s agony without relieving his total dependence on others since quadriplegia deprived him of the use of his limbs. Since he cannot be the man he wants to be, Lamb has spent years unsuccessfully battling the courts for the right to end his suffering.
Exercise: Rewrite the same material to emphasize why Mr. Lamb, and nobody else, should have the right to decide his fate.
- Identify your comment as “Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death.”
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Counterintuitive Fall 2022 
Negative sports media: Professional sports are a great example of entertainment and an exhilarating display of athleticism. Although, many news reporters tend to highlight only negative off the field incidents. For example the reporters of newspapers and news shows, don’t always write about what happens on the field, but rather find aspects of what professional players do wrong off of the field.
Hooray sleep: Sleep is the most important way to improve brain efficiency. With more sleep a person can learn and perform better in school.
Failing schools: underprivileged students have a higher success rate when attending a smaller specialized school compared to an ineffective public school, says Bill Moyers. This is due to low graduation rates, overcrowding and understaffing in the public schools. Students already struggling with poverty deserve to succeed in school.
Mr Lambs dignified death: Paul Lamb, 57, was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago. Everyday is full of pain. His only release is the constant drip of morphine into his body. Considering the type of man Mr Lamb was, he did not enjoy having to be dependent on help from others. He describes his life as “unbearable” because of the intense pain. The only thing Mr Lamb wishes for is for us to end the suffering but because of strict court systems he is left unable to do so.
Negative Sports Media: Professional sport is a source of entertainment from watching on the television screens to even reading about it in the newspaper. The commentator and the publishers of the newspaper don’t always say what happened on the field but express their opinion of the mistakes done by the players.
Hooray Sleep: The ability to have a more sound sleep allows for a more refreshed brain and enhances their capability to perform better on their exams.
Failing Schools: Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed. Providing more attention to schools in unprivileged areas with tutors and extra studying clubs will not engage the students with their teachers but also improve the way the school is run and have more students succeed.
Mr. Lambs Dignifying Death: Twenty-three years ago, at the age of 57 Paul Lamb was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident. He had never thought that he would have to live life depending on others for help and have a constant drip of morphine into his body. He walks up every morning in intense pain and has tried to go to court multiple times in hopes that someone would allow him to end his suffering, but he has been rejected.
Negative Sports Media: Professional sports are exciting and a great form of entertainment. New reports don’t always express the positive aspects of sports, and will write about professional player’s wrong doings off the field.
Hooray Sleep: Our efficiency and performance of our brain can be improved through getting proper sleep.
Failing Schools: New York City students who are underprivileged are less likely to succeed when getting an education in an overcrowded, understaffed, and badly managed public school. But when placed in a smaller “specialized” school they will have a higher success and graduation rate, says Bill Moyers. Students who are already in the minority of society deserve an opportunity to thurn their own lives around, and receive a proper education and succeed.
Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death: 23 years ago Paul Lamb was involved in a terrible car accident that has left him quadriplegic and unable to use his limbs. Now 57 years old he lives in intense pain, and relies on a morphine drip and others to get through each day. He has been reject in court the right to be released from his agonizing pain, even though he cannot be the man he wants to be.
Negative Sports Media: Professional sports are very exciting and a great source of entertainment. Reports don’t always express the positive aspects of sports and will write about professional player’s wrong off the field.
Hooray Sleep: Our efficiency and performance of our brain can be improved through getting proper sleep.
Failing Schools: New York City students who are underprivileged are less likely to succeed when getting an education in an overcrowded, understaffed, and badly managed public school. But when placed in a smaller “specialized” school they will have a higher success and graduation rate, says Bill Moyers.
Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death: 23 years ago, Paul Lamb was involved in a terrible car accident that has left him quadriplegic and unable to use his limbs. Now 57 years old he lives in intense pain and relies on a morphine drip and others to get through each day.
Negative Sports Media: Negative reporters can’t hide the fact that modern American sports are our greatest form of entertainment. Their effort to minimize positive impacts in sports by writing hit pieces on athletes isn’t a game breaker, but it is noticeable.
Hooray Sleep: Increased performance of the brain is directly linked to the amount of sleep we get. Exceptional sleep brings exceptional exam scores.
Failing Schools: Bill Moyers says that an overcrowded, underfunded, and poorly managed school does nothing but harm for the average NYC child. A reallocation of students into “specialized” schools that meet their needs will have an increased rate of graduation and success down the line. This will give these students the chance they deserve to be a part of society.
Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death: 23 years ago an awful car accident left Paul Lamb a quadriplegic. 57 years later the life of being dependent on Morphine and an external support isn’t what he had envisioned. This unbearable life has pushed Mr. Lamb into seeking a way to end his suffering.
Negative Sports Media: Professional sports are very well known in the athletic side of the entertainment industry. Although, many news reporter outlets don’t always write about the positives of the sports, they focus on the negative to gain publicity.
Learning in our Sleep: Sleep is crucial to improving the brains performance and efficiency. The more sleep one gets, they better they do on exams.
Failing Schools: The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will guide underprivileged students to become successful. Low-income students are forced to attend large high schools with low graduation rates. These high schools are overcrowded with students, understaffed with teachers, and poorly managed. These city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation needed to succeed.
Mr. Lambs Dignifying Death: Paul Lamb, 57, was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago. He lives day by day in pain in which he describes as “unbearable”, while his only release is the constant drip of morphine into his body. Being dependent on the help from others is not the man he wants to be. He has gone to court in the hopes that someone will allow him to end his suffering, but he got rejected.
Negative Sports – Sports are a thrilling form of entertainment however many reporters prioritize capturing disputes and other negative occurrences instead of the game.
Hooray Sleep- Brain function is highly dependent on sleep, therefore the more sleep someone gets the better their academic performance will be.
Failing Schools – Students’ failure is not always dependent on the student themselves. Overcrowding, understaffed, and badly managed, public schools in overcrowded neighborhoods cause failure for many students. Therefore, the creation of smaller, more “specialized” schools for students living in these areas can increase the likelihood of their success.
Mr.Lamb’s Dignified Death- Mr.Lamb and nobody else should have the right to decide his fate because it is he who has to live with the unbearable consequences of his perpetrator. He, a 57-year-old man has attempted to endure said pain for 23 years but has found not an ounce of satisifacti0n in his life. Since it is evident that there are no other suitable options for Mr. Lamb he has rightfully earned the decision to choose his fate.
Negative Sports in Media: Sports are an incredible example of athletic prowess that millions enjoy watching, and some reports chose to ignore this and focus on the negative events that happen off the field.
Hooray Sleep: Sleep improves the performance and efficiency of the brain, which means longer sleep periods help us learn more and do better on exams.
Failing Schools: Overcrowded, understaffed, and badly managed public schools lessen the chances of students graduating. Underprivileged students in New York City deserve better than a failing school that neither motivates them, nor teaches them how to succeed. Bill Moyers suggests that smaller “specialized” schools could benefit these kids who are living in poverty, by better setting them up for the future.
Mr Lamb’s Dignified Death: Paul Lamb, 57, describes his life as unbearable because of the intense pain he deals with everyday. For the past 23 years, he has dealt with immense pain from a horrific car accident that left him quadriplegic and dependent on morphine. He cannot lives the life he wants, and because of this Lamb has spent years unsuccessfully battling the courts for the right to end his suffering.
Negative Sports in Media: Sports are an incredible example of athletic prowess that millions enjoy watching, and some reports chose to ignore this and focus on the negative events that happen off the field.
—This is true, Oni, but the “and,” instead of a subordinator, wastes the power of subordination. Which is the more important claim?:
Prowess: Despite the incredible display of athletic prowess that millions enjoy watching, some reporters ignore the talent and focus instead on the negative events that happen off the field.
Scandal: Even though athletes commit atrocities off the field, most reporters are dazzled by the athletic prowess they display during games.
Hooray Sleep: Sleep improves the performance and efficiency of the brain, which means longer sleep periods help us learn more and do better on exams.
—Nice, but, for this to be true, you’d have to claim that “any amount of sleep” is beneficial, and the more the better.
Failing Schools: Overcrowded, understaffed, and badly managed public schools lessen the chances of students graduating. Underprivileged students in New York City deserve better than a failing school that neither motivates them, nor teaches them how to succeed. Bill Moyers suggests that smaller “specialized” schools could benefit these kids who are living in poverty, by better setting them up for the future.
—Nice.
Mr Lamb’s Dignified Death: Paul Lamb, 57, describes his life as unbearable because of the intense pain he deals with everyday. For the past 23 years, he has dealt with immense pain from a horrific car accident that left him quadriplegic and dependent on morphine. He cannot lives the life he wants, and because of this Lamb has spent years unsuccessfully battling the courts for the right to end his suffering.
—Does that last sentence mean “because he cannot life the life he wants his court battle has been unsuccessful?
—Is this really one sentence?: Paul Lamb, 57, has a better right than any court to declare that the life he lives, quadriplegic and dependent on morphine to mitigate unbearable pain, is not worth living.
-Negative Sports Media: Sports are revered for their show of outstanding athleticism, yet many news reporters choose to focus on the negative circumstances of players outside of the sport.
-Hooray Sleep: Sleep is the best asset to increase efficiency and function of the brain.
-Failing Schools: Students in New York City are less likely to graduate due to badly managed, overcrowded, understaffed public school. Smaller, “specialized,” public schools can increase success and graduation rates. A proper education is the least the city can provide to students already living in poverty.
-Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death: 57-year-old Paul Lamb begs to be released from decades of unbearable pain and dependency. He has suffered as a quadriplegic for 23 years, using a morphine drip to ease the constant pain of his body. Mr. Lamb has tolerated the agony enough, battling the courts to end his suffering to no avail.
Beautiful work, BV. Brief and clear.
Negative Sports Media:
– Professional sports are known to be great entertainment; however, some news reporters want to highlight the negative side of the industry and focus on off-the-field activities.
Hooray Sleep:
– Sleep is an effective tool for improving the performance and efficiency of the brain, especially in exam performance.
Failing Schools:
– Overcrowded and understaffed schools in places like New York City have extremely low graduation rates. Bill Moyers claims that when replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, more students are likely to graduate. Inner-city students living in poverty deserve better than the failing schools they are forced to attend as these schools do not motivate students or teach them how to succeed.
Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death:
– 57-year-old Paul Lambs has been suffering in pain for over 23 years. After a car accident left him quadriplegic, Lambs has been on a constant morphine drip to ease his pain. Because of his immobility, he cannot be the man he wants to be and has been rejected multiple times by the courts to end his life on his terms.
Strong work overall, Cinderella. A specific Note:
When you say:
What your grammar indicates is:
We know that’s not what you meant, but it’s what you said.
Thanks for the feedback. I did not realize that was what it sounded like.
Negative Sports Media: Sports provide great entertainment, but reporters tend to overlook the accomplishments off athletes on the field, and instead look to criticize their actions off the field.
Learning in Our Sleep: Increasing the length of sleep improves daily performance and efficiency of ones brain.
Failing Schools: Replacing large schools with smaller specialized schools will benefit the inner city students as they are usually enrolled in schools that are understaffed, have low graduation rates, crowded classes, and provide no foundation for future success.
Death with Dignity: Paul Lamb who has been suffering from an “unbearable” life for over 23 years due to car accident, goes to court in hopes that someone can be merciful and end his pain, but has been rejected multiple times.
Nice work, GF.
Negative Sports Media: Although sports provide great entertainment for many viewers and attendees, reporters often criticize players for their actions instead of their achievements.
Hooray Sleep: During an exam, sleep can be a crucial tool for improving performance and efficiency within the brain.
Failing schools: By replacing large schools with smaller schools that are more focused on instruction, kids from the inner city will benefit greatly. Currently, they are enrolled in schools that are understaffed, have low graduation rates, and crowded classrooms.
Death with Dignity: Approximately 23 years ago, Paul Lamb was involved in a terrible accident. It ended up causing him to become a quadriplegic. Lamb, now at the age of 57, is battling the courts to allow him to end his suffering since he has been dealing with immense pain.