- (original) Because more people are being introduced to the fitness world by means of social media, more people are being deceived and manipulated by so-called “fitness influencers.” Instead of providing essential information to achieve a healthy lifestyle, these influencers promote dangerous supplements and will always look to make a quick buck on anyone who hasn’t already familiarized themselves with this lackluster industry. Getting rid of these toxic influencers is essential in making sure that healthy content is being shared instead of harmful messages.m We shouldn’t be allowing the toxic influencers to continue to rot our children’s minds with false information and build them up with false hope. We all trust these influencers to provide us with what is right, but when they don’t, we can feel deceived or even betrayed. No one likes feeling like that, which makes it essential that honest content replaces the manipulative posts that we have been seeing on social media for years now. Change cannot and will not happen though, if we do not hold them accountable for all they have done wrong with in the past. Halting support and interaction with bad fitness influencers should happen immortality to send a message that unresolvable behavior and dishonesty will not be tolerated going forward.
(rewrite)
Selfish influencers that have no interest in guiding newcomers in the fitness industry, are manipulating and deceiving our youth through means of social media just for personal gain and profit. From promoting unrealistic bodies to selling toxic supplements, these influencers are causing issues ranging from depression, shamefulness, and anxiety to our youth. Rotting our children’s minds with false hope needs to replaced with responsible teaching and guidance, to protect those who are vulnerable while trying to better their futures.
- (original) The fitness industry combined with the continuous growth of social media will lead to the unavoidable manipulation of newcomers looking for guidance and acceptance within a new community. More common today, fitness influencers recklessly endanger the vulnerable youth by presenting them with dangerously unattainable models of fitness that create anxiety, shame, and despair in their followers. Relaying the foundation of how the fitness industry should operate needs to be done, starting with forcing influencers to rethink how they are getting their messages are getting perceived, and the intention behind those posts. A lot of the time, influencers will look to scam people like you and me for our hard earned money. It isn’t fair that we, as consumers, allow the influencers to hold all the power, when in reality, they rely on us to enjoy their content to be successful. Forcing crooked influencers to move forward with responsibility, instead of us allowing them to blindlessly promote our children with dangerous advice and supplements, is the quintessential way to influence people looking to make a positive difference in their lives.
(Rewrite)
Dangerous fitness influencers who have no interest in their audience’s health or growth, thrive off of manipulation and deception. Our youth, who are susceptible to the tricks that these influencers use, are being recklessly misguided and tempted to create unhealthy fitness habits, which later causes anxiety, shame, and desperation in their lives. The standard of responsibility and honesty must be restored to how it was in the past, instead of allowing these influencers to blindlessly, and intentionally, thrive off their own deceit, by promoting our children with dangerous advice and supplements that do nothing but lower their self esteem.
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Counterintuitive Fall 2022 
Do you think that these paragraphs would grab anyone’s attention? Are the paragraphs too long? I tried to include all the specifics that you wanted in it.
Your paragraphs contain plenty of valid complaints, address real health problems, and demand action, GF, but their phrasing (and, as you suspected, their repetitiousness) cost them energy and urgency.
Sometimes you’re straightforward with bold Subjects (usually influencers or we) and robust Active Verbs:
—influencers promote dangerous supplements
—influencers look to make a quick buck
—We trust these influencers
—We feel deceived or even betrayed.
—No one likes that feeling
Sometimes your negatives are strong and straightforward:
—We shouldn’t allow
—Change cannot happen
But often your constructions are passive or abstract:
—people are being introduced
—people are being deceived and manipulated
—Getting rid is essential
—in making sure
—content is being shared
—shouldn’t be allowing
—which makes it essential
—all they have done wrong with
—Halting should happen
—to send a message
—dishonesty will not be tolerated
A Sample Revision of the first version might go:
I think that about does it, don’t you?
Would you like to do the same sort of scrubbing on Version 2?
This post is eligible for Revision and a Regrade.
Yes, that definitely sounds a lot better. I will make corrections to the second one now.
I made revisions on both paragraphs, not just the second. I used some ideas expressed in the revision you suggested, but I did not want to just copy your ideas entirely. I think both revised paragraphs are a lot simpler, but still clearly get the message across. Please regrade when you have a chance. Thank you.
Both are worlds better, GF. Do you want yet more reactions?
—The irony of streamlining your work so that every word counts is that every word counts. Now that your work is lean, every blemish is enhanced. So . . .
—You express a lot of protestor energy in your first paragraph. Think of yourself that way for a moment. Can you picture this on a placard outside the influencer’s house?: THEY CAUSE A PLETHORA OF ISSUES TO OUR YOUTH! You can sloganize better.
In your second paragraph, you’re still letting your villains hide behind abstract phrases and passive verbs, GF.
—be it mentally or physically
—are being misguided
—which later causes
—must be restored
If influencers are thriving, manipulating, deceiving, misguiding, shaming, lying, tempting, misleading, damaging, and harming our kids, use active verbs for all of those despicable activities. Most of the language is here, but it’s hiding.
Compare these two:
Influencers thrive off of manipulation and deceit.
—Kinda positive for them, right? We all want to thrive.
Influencers manipulate and deceive our kids for a buck.
—Not so positive now, right?
All we did is substitute two ACTIVE verbs for a couple of innocuous nouns.
Always eligible for Revision and a Regrade.
I made revisions on what you suggested. Thank you.