4 Responses to Money Rewrite- Taylor LaCorte

1. taylorlacorte says:

   February 10, 2014 at 10:29 PM

   Can I please have feedback, Professor?

   Reply
   • davidbdale says:

     February 11, 2014 at 5:05 AM

     Soon, Taylor, but maybe not before today’s class. Too many essays were posted before yours for that. Can you get your name on the Personal Professor Conference chart, please? We should talk for ten minutes.

     Reply
2. taylorlacorte says:

   February 18, 2014 at 3:15 PM

   Can I please have more in depth feedback on my first paragraph? I need more guidance in actually saying what I mean right away instead of going around my point.

   Feedback provided. —DSH

   Reply
3. davidbdale says:

   February 20, 2014 at 11:48 AM

   OK, Taylor, you know from our brief conference that I have radical opinions about revising your sentences, so don’t be surprised. I’m very glad you were receptive to a thorough overhaul and hope you’ll see this project through.

   P1.1. In the story of the Island of Yap, although at first sounding obscure, tells the story of an island civilization that uses large lime stones as their form of currency.
   —The claim here is that the Yap use big stone money, which sounds weird to us.
   —Until you tell us why, we have no idea what’s weird about that. Is it because we use small, thin, convenient slips of linen (or magnetic swipe cards) and the stones seem primitive and ridiculously cumbersome? It’s easy to say so.

   P1.2. Many observations and questions have been posed on this weird, little island and the stones, but upon further examination, the fei is much similar, if not completely the same as a Euro, dollar, or pound.
   —The claim here is that the fei are similar to dollars and other currency.

   Putting the three claims together:

   The Yap on the island of Yap used huge limestone disks as big as cars for money. The system worked because they didn’t carry their currency in their pockets. The stones outside their homes were essentially banks, and everybody could see the size of the account. Fei, as the stones were called, were like huge denomination bills, not coins, but they were still money, just like dollars, Euros, or pounds.

   I haven’t tried to change your tone here, Taylor. It’s still conversational and direct, but the claims are clearer, don’t you think? Instead of (the story sounds obscure) (many observations and questions have been posed) (this weird little island and the stones), none of which actually communicate any part of the story, the sentences above tell a clear narrative that helps readers appreciate what DOES make sense about the Yap and their fei.

   P2. Your second paragraph keeps the same tone, but its claims too are unclear.
   P2.1. How can you say BOTH that the government determines the value of a currency AND that it constantly changes?
   P2.2. Once you say that, how is the fei similar? Surely the government of the Yap didn’t set a value for the fei, did it?
   P2.3. You say the “fei is no exception,” but your next sentence says the fei is tangible while dollars are not. But dollars are tangible; I can hand you one.
   P2.4. Our dollars (historical fact) have not been based on gold for several generations. True, they once were, but no longer. Now they’re based on nothing but trust.
   P2.5. I agree the denominations of fei are determined by size and beauty, and that . . .
   P2.6. . . . that makes them different from dollars, which are virtually identical.
   P2.7. But we do still have a physical, tangible currency, even if we use it less and less.
   P2.8. So, as far as I can tell, the primary argument, perhaps the only argument, of this paragraph is that larger fei are worth more than smaller fei, whereas dollars are all the same size.

   If that’s true, here’s a revised version of P2.

   The important advantage of modern currency is that the money is easier to carry and stamped with a value. A five dollar bill won’t buy the same amount of bread every year, but it always buys five times as much bread as a one dollar bill. Instead of massive stones, we carry “evidence” of our wealth on magnetic strips that can be read by machines. Odd as those big blocks of limestone seem to us, imagine trying to convince the Yap that we’re wealthy because of the color of our credit cards. Nothing could seem stranger than that!

   I know this doesn’t sound like your essay any more, Taylor, but I’m trying to spend the same amount of space to accomplish a more logical chain of reasonable claims that lead to a conclusion without wandering. I’m still considering the same peculiarities of money your paragraphs investigate, but making the claims more directly. Does this make sense to you? Does it give you direction and an approach to emulate?
   —Watch

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