8 Responses to Causal Rewrite- Pinkcottoncandy4

1. pinkcottoncandy4 says:

   November 23, 2022 at 2:47 PM

   I would like to receive feedback on whether it’s a good causal argument or if i’m lacking material or structure.

   Reply
2. davidbdale says:

   November 25, 2022 at 2:18 PM

   I will answer your questions shortly, Pink, but first we have to address your formatting of quotations and References.

   Your References list should follow the model provided on the blog under the Models menu. Here’s the direct link: https://hodgescomp2.com/models/references-list/

   You seem to be trying to build Block Quotes for your longer quotations, but you shouldn’t be doing it manually. WordPress has a feature that does it automatically in while you’re writing or editing your text. The function looks like a big quotation mark. It will indent your text from both sides and turn the text to italics.

   But you DON’T use that function if you’re mixing quoted material with your own language in a paragraph. The Block Text function is only for isolating a large quotation of three or more lines.

   I’ve fixed the quotations for your “Colon” material. I had to consult the original to see what language was pulled from the article and what was yours.

   Please ask if you need guidance on how to handle quotes in the rest of your paragraphs.

   Reply
3. davidbdale says:

   November 25, 2022 at 3:22 PM

   There’s A WHOLE LOT going on in these 1000 words, Pink, but it’s not clear what your overall message is supposed to be. You don’t tell us in your INTRODUCTION what you intend to prove, and you don’t tell us AS YOU BEGIN NEW SECTIONS what you intend to prove, so we’re left thinking, “Gee. There seems to be a lot of trouble in the Philly Police Department!” But your Title leads us to believe you’re going to explain the shortage of officers.

   The city of brotherly love has become one of the most dangerous cities in the United states, crime rates have skyrocketed throughout the years, making it harder for the community to feel safe in their own home. Just as residents of Philadelphia, police officers don’t feel safe as well, which has caused the amount of active police officers to drastically decrease.
   —The city is unsafe, you say.
   —Cops feel unsafe too, so there are fewer cops.
   —If that’s your thesis for this 1000 words, be sure we know we should be on the alert for explanations about WHY THERE ARE FEWER COPS IN PHILLY.

   COVID-19 was one of the contributions to making the city as dangerous as it is. It seemed like the world had stopped when it came to employment, schools, colleges, even the Police academy. Police officers were trying to avoid physical contact as much as possible, while offenders took advantage of the pandemic to commit more crimes, knowing that there weren’t many officers willing to risk their health to stop them. The article, “More Violence, Less Cops. Why Are There Fewer Police Officers in Philly?,” by authors Claudia Vargas and David Chang, states that “Mileihka Colon has been waiting since January of last year to become a Philadelphia police officer.” They quote Colon as saying, “I honestly thought that when I graduated I was going to already be a police officer by July or August.”
   —Your first sentence says your going to explain “Why The City is Unsafe,” Not “Why there are Fewer Cops.”
   —So, we’re already a little bit confused.
   —The rest of the paragraph hints that the Academy might have been shut down, that police felt unsafe, that criminals took advantage, that cops got lax, but NOT “Why there are Fewer Cops.”
   —If all the problems lead to fewer recruits wanting to enter the Academy, then maybe you could put all that together for us, but you haven’t.

   Many people have faced the same thing Mileihka Colon has, which unfortunately forces them to look somewhere else for employment. From the article:

   Colon applied while finishing college in 2020. But then the COVID-19 pandemic hit, putting a halt to many things, including the Philadelphia Police Academy. “I don’t know if my application is still out there and I don’t know if it’s pending,” Colon said. “I don’t know if I need to reapply again.” Colon isn’t the only one dealing with the issue. Hundreds of applications were put on hold indefinitely and there hasn’t been a new recruit class in the academy since March of last year. As a result, Philadelphia will not have any rookie officers during a year that’s on pace to be the most violent in history. Meanwhile, veteran officers continue to retire. The police department is down to approximately 6,100 officers, nearly 300 short of what it’s budgeted to have. “I think we’re still safe, but it’s worrisome,” Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw said.
   —We’re lost about Colon. Did he graduate from the Academy? Or did he apply to the Academy and not get accepted?
   —You led us to believe there would be fewer recruits, but your anecdote shows a recruit who can’t seem to get the Police Department to give him a chance.
   —Now we’d like an explanation for why the Academy isn’t turning out rookies, but you’re not helping us there.
   —We figure out for ourselves that officers must be retiring faster than rookies are being hired.
   —You could have told us that in the first sentence of your paragraph and we would have been much less confused about the subject of your section.

   The article COVID was again the leading cause of death among US law enforcement in 2021 by author Rachel Treisman stated that last year was the deadliest year for law enforcement officers, with COVID being identified as the leading cause. This data made law enforcement officers realize that being safe is more important than apprehending criminals. she stated that:
   —Please let us know that you’re starting a new discussion of ANOTHER REASON FOR THE SHORTFALL OF POLICE OFFICERS . . .
   —The fact that COVID killed police officers more than other causes DOESN’T mean there aren’t enough police officers.
   —We don’t need to know WHAT killed them if 2021 was THE DEADLIEST YEAR. That fact alone tells us there is heavy pressure to increase the ranks with new hires.

   “This year’s statistics demonstrate that America’s front-line law enforcement officers continue to battle the deadly effects of the Covid-19 pandemic nationwide,” the report reads. “Preliminary data shows that some 301 officer fatalities have been identified as caused by Covid this year, and this number appears to increase almost daily.”
   —Again, it’s interesting to know that COVID killed more officers than shootings or accidents or anything else, but HOW they died doesn’t tell us WHY there are fewer cops unless you tell us.
   —We thought you were going to explain that the fear of getting COVID from close contact with the public SCARED AWAY new applicants, recruits, rookies, but your evidence was AN EAGER APPLICANT who has been ignored.

   Social media has made us witnesses of how cruel police officers can be, which has made law enforcement one of the most unwanted jobs. From personal experience, police officers are avoided as much as possible because there has always been a history of racism or abuse of power from their side, which forces the community to not trust officers when it comes to emergencies. In the article “Pennsylvania faces ‘historic shortage of police.’ AG Shapiro, Commissioner Outlaw call on Harrisburg for help,” by author Campbell Robertson, states that:
   —Readers understand that cops have a low approval rating.
   —We know there’s a stigma attached to being in law enforcement.
   —If your first sentence was “The stigma against law enforcement has resulted in record low numbers of applicants to police academies,” THAT would be a good piece of evidence.

   “The fact is, and we see this, fewer young people are deciding to make law enforcement their career,” Shapiro said. “That’s a problem. And it’s going to lead to long-term negative consequences in our communities.” Pennsylvania as a whole currently has 1,229 vacant police positions across the state.
   —If you DID have that quote to share, why didn’t you let us know a paragraph earlier, when you led with “Social media” instead?
   —But don’t you see that “record low numbers of applicants” sound suspicious following your story of the young applicant whose application is being ignored?
   —If YOU don’t point out the contradiction, readers think you’re not paying attention.
   —You could take advantage of the situation by saying that BOTH low application number AND the Academies’ inability to process them during COVID contributed to the shortage of new cops.

   Shapiro added that staff shortages have had a detrimental effect on police departments’ ability to build crucial relationships with the communities they work with — forcing officers to choose between walking their beat or engaging with the community in ways that help build confidence and trust. “And that confidence really matters because having it leads to more tips from the public, more cooperation in solving crime, and it leads, importantly, to safer streets,” Shapiro said.
   —This is interesting but not relevant to your argument.
   —We’re not looking for the CONSEQUENCES of low numbers of cops.
   —But you COULD MAKE US CARE if you identify a CAUSAL CHAIN.

   THE CHAIN
   —Cops are considered cruel by city residents
   —Therefore, fewer young people are attracted to law enforcement
   —Add to that, COVID made cops wary of engaging closely with the public
   —So, the job seemed both less desirable AND more dangerous than ever
   —On top of that, when applicants DID try to join the force, the Academy was overworked and understaffed and couldn’t handle new applications
   —All of which meant lower numbers of new cops joining the force

   —Meanwhile, COVID was busy killing off veteran cops
   —And cops that could figure out a way to retire early started to take the offer
   —You’re about to get to that one, so this is where we are in the chain now.

   DO YOU SEE how helpful it is to keep readers informed of where we are in the Causal Chain?

   Age is a huge factor to why there is a decrease in police officers in philadelphia. Older police officers don’t have the ability to move around or chase criminals in times of need, which is a problem because it’s preventing them from successfully doing their jobs. The article Staffing shortage in the Philadelphia Police Department becoming a crisis by author Annie McCormick states :
   —I was sure you were going to say age was a problem BECAUSE IT LEADS TO RETIRMENT, but instead you’re distracting us with the irrelevant observation that it makes them less able to perform well.

   “We’re talking about at least 800 people over the next four years that have signed up for the drop. These times are very scary. They’re very challenging. We have to come up with a solution to make this more attractive. The service calls, you’re not going to get a response time, to me, that’s adequate enough to really help and support people,” said Poplar about his concerns for the public during this officer shortage.
   —I had to read the article to find out what “the drop” is.
   —The article doesn’t explain it very well, but you don’t even try.
   —Is it a chance to take EARLY RETIREMENT?
   —If so, it would be a strong piece of evidence to explain the shortage of cops.

   The relationships between law enforcement and the community does not improve for many reasons:

   Officers placed in a city don’t live in the same town due to protection.
   Officers who do live in the same community take advantage of this position to benefit allies, or harm others.
   —This seems completely irrelevant, Pink, but you can salvage it by relocating it.
   —Do you see where it belongs in the Causal Chain?

   Studies show that officers that live within the community tend to care more about what goes on and have more sympathy when it comes to treating people, which is beneficial towards both ways because there is a possible relationship being built which leans towards the first step to reducing crime and police hate. The downside to this is when extortion and bribery happens. Extortion is when a public official threatens future violence or harm under the color of the office, and bribery is the payment by person to a public official to gain advantages they are not entitled to, which can happen often within family members, friends or associates.
   —BOTH of these situations you describe contribute to an overall distrust of, dislike for, cops.
   —That’s all the way at the top of the Chain.
   —If you START your essay with an explanation of the many reasons cops are disliked and distrusted,
   —That leads to how unattractive it is as a career choice,

   And you see how that leads us through the chain to lower overall numbers of new rookies.

   You could finish up with a big flourish about how the EVEN LOWER NUMBERS of cops on the job today just MAKE THE WHOLE PROSPECT OF ATTRACTING NEW RECRUITS even harder. Fewer cops means even more crime, which means even more danger, which makes the job even less desirable, which lowers the numbers of recruits, and so on in a vicious cycle.

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   • pinkcottoncandy4 says:

     November 29, 2022 at 2:37 PM

     Thanks for the feedback professor, it was helpful and I will be working on revisions right now.

     Reply
4. davidbdale says:

   November 25, 2022 at 3:23 PM

   I hope that was helpful, Pink.
   I won’t spend that much time on your work again if you don’t make use of the feedback to make significant revisions.

   Provisionally graded. This post is always eligible for Revisions and a Regrade.

   Reply
5. pinkcottoncandy4 says:

   November 29, 2022 at 7:47 PM

   Professor Hodges, I made the significant revisions that you stated. I would like feedback on how I did overall.

   Reply
   • davidbdale says:

     December 4, 2022 at 6:27 AM

     I see significant improvement, Pink.
     Please correct your References list.

     Reply
6. pinkcottoncandy4 says:

   November 29, 2022 at 7:56 PM

   I will also be working on my reference list shortly.

   Reply