Open Strong Princess

Opening Paragraph 1

More and more high school students are pursuing Dual Enrollment Advanced placement courses without being aware that many of these programs are not looking out for their success. Dual Enrollment and Advanced Placement are among the most well-known routes for advancing high school students’ education, as researcher Ackerman stated in his article High School Advanced Placement…” there has been an explosive growth in the number of AP exams administered.” Those who don’t engage in higher education, however, have less work and stress so they have more time to socialize, engage in extracurriculars, play sports, spend time with family, get jobs, partake in internships, visit colleges, and most importantly take time for themselves. It doesn’t matter whether a student is intelligent or not, any person who advocates for a student to add more difficult classes to their already busy lives isn’t looking to benefit the student’s overall well-being.

Thesis: Ap and Dual Enrollment are not looking out for student success

Opening Paragraph 2

Many students and their families, blindly pursue AP courses and Dual enrollment opportunities without considering the potential for burnout, demotivation, or exhaustion that can result from the additional work. Students inevitably strive to put in additional work and in doing so accumulate added stress and other detrimental effects which oftentimes don’t generate non-academic related, personal gain for the student. Although students overall well-being isn’t benefitted from these programs, parents and administration still encourage enrollment. Parents may do so to fulfill goals of perfectionism in their child while the administration may reek a multitude of benefits for which none go back to the student involved. This then leads students to become the product of a hidden agenda, similar to the instance of a rat suffering the results of a scientific experiment gone wrong.

Thesis: There are more downfalls in AP and Dual Enrollment than benefits.

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3 Responses to Open Strong Princess

  1. princess01430 says:

    For feedback I would first like to know if my two thesis are different enough. I tried to make them as different as possible without straying away from the topic of my paper, I fear I may have made them too similar. Let me know and I’ll change it. Also wanted to see if I should attempt to add sources to my paragraphs, if that matters or if it is up to personal preference. Lastly, I did my best to take your advice and make the claims clear, bold, and all that nice stuff. I tried to not be too complicated as I see now that I consistently am. Let me know how I did. It would be nice ( if it wasn’t obvious) to see which you like better as well and if any are good enough to use as my opening paragraph! Thank you for all your help with my work.

    • davidbdale says:

      Nobody’s ever asked before which Opening I prefer, Princess, so I guess it really isn’t obvious that you would want to know.

      Thank you very much for being so specific in your request for feedback. I truly appreciate the guidance.

      1. Are they different enough?
      —They are, and #2 is vastly superior.

      2. Do they need sources?
      —They don’t. (Opening paragraphs usually don’t, unless you wish to cite a particularly pertinent anecdote to grab attention. The “explosive growth” in AP enrollment doesn’t qualify as attention-grabbing.)

      3. Are they bold, clear, and not too complicated?
      —The first one meanders. It’s not particularly complicated, but neither is it clear because it doesn’t follow a straight course.

      Let’s work on #2.

      Many students and their families, blindly pursue AP courses and Dual enrollment opportunities without considering the risks they are taking by doing so. The downfalls of these programs overweighs the positives.

      —You start very strong with a warning that adopt AP courses should not be done “blindly.”
      —You wave your hand a “risks” but don’t specify even a CATEGORY of risks, let alone anything specific.
      —Then you repeat yourself in sentence 2, again vaguely warning of downfalls.

      For instance, while these courses are almost entirely free to take, if you don’t succeed in rigorous testing for these courses, they don’t offer college credit, resulting in time wasted for the student.

      —You promised us downfalls and risks, but your “for instance” isn’t about either, it’s about a perceived advantage that doesn’t always materialize. That’s not a disadvantage. The ADDED WORK AND STRESS that don’t pay off are the disadvantages.

      When parents encourage students to take these courses, parents are driven, based on unrealistic goals of perfectionism, and [they] don’t notice how stressed their children become. High school administration and teachers receive a large range of benefits as well, none of which go back to the student.

      —Here your claims are blended where they should be isolated. You mention the STRESS on the children for the first time, and you do so off-handedly. You should have named it in your very first sentence as the primary risk of advanced courses. You don’t call it a threat to their mental health either, but you should.

      Meanwhile, the students in these courses are left alone to tackle countless issues they would have never encountered if it weren’t for these courses. The limited teenage years students get should not be spent worrying about how well they’re doing in programs that are not prioritizing their success and overall well-being.

      —This is out of place.
      —Your introduction starts VERY FAST with PURSUIT OF SOMETING, BLIND TO RISKS, but then gets sidetracked to what doesn’t happen and what others achieve before returning to what happens to the students.
      —Instead, make a specific opening claim about the risk of stress, exhaustion, burnout, demotivation, to the students. Develop that for a sentence or two.
      —THEN address the question of why enrollment occurs.
      —If not the students, then who do the classes benefit?
      —Worse still, they may benefit only the schools, not the students OR their parents.

      Give it a try and see if you can make this baby sing.
      You’ve got the right material and point of view to full-throat it.

      This post is eligible for Revisions and a Regrade at any time.

  2. I believe I have made the adjustments you were looking for however I would appreciate continued feedback.
    For starters, I would like to make sure I hit on all the points you were seeking for my revision.
    Second, I added a personal creative twist at the end of my intro out of pure curiosity if it is in the reins of academic research writing or not. Just tell me to take it out if you think it isn’t.
    Lastly, I’m feeling as though my paragraphs after the revisions are a little short, what areas could there be more information if it needs to be bigger or more in detail? I tend to over write things as we all know so I don’t want to overwrite but I still want to have enough information to leave the readers with in my first paragraph.

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